Preparing for the 2nd C-Section

Rhett's Day of Birth has been a painful day for me to remember. I know it shouldn't be that way, but it was. I have written parts and pieces about this experience before I have never owned up to the whole truth and why I had such an emotionally (this was longer lasting pain than the actual physical pain) painful experience. I am writing this for me so know that my feelings won't be hurt if you don't read it.
Day Before Rhett's Birth

This picture was taken in the middle of August, Rhett was
born at the start of October needless to say
I was large. (photo taken by Serene Sweeten)

The day before he was born I felt I was totally emotionally ramrodded. I found that the doctors and Nurse Practitioners had been lying to me for weeks (they had told me my fundal height was "fine" or "normal" only to find out that it hadn't been 2 to 3 weeks large for the last month and half). We had a long ultrasound where we found out Rhett was either high 9 pounds or low 10 pounds.
We then waited for 45 minutes to talk to a doctor, but then he was too busy so they had a nurse practitioner come in and check my  progress towards labor. She said that I was not dilate and not effaced and Rhett's head position was a -3 (scale from -5 (no pressure on cervix from the babies head) to 5 (when the babies head crowns)). She told me that I was a terrible candidate for cervix softening because his head and shoulders were so big. She said that 1 of 3 things would happen, I would end up needing an emergency C-Section or Rhett would suffer from shoulder dysplasia (which could cause broken collar bone, paralysis or fetal death). She then told me that she would give me time to think about it and come back. I told her that I would like to talk to a doctor before making a decision. She said that she would try and get a hold of one (I know it is a lot to ask in order see a doctor at your 39 Week Appointment).
Brock and I talked, cried and prayed in the examination room as we waited for a doctor. The nurse practitioner came back after 20-30 minutes and said that she had talked to the doctor and he totally agreed with her analysis of the situation and that we absolutely needed to have a C-Section, but that the doctor was absolutely too busy to see me. I asked if one of the other 2 doctors in the practice could see me she said, she would see what she could do. Then came back and said that they were all unavailable and that we needed to get the paper work going for the C-Section.
She informed me the doctor that would be doing the surgery would be the only doctor that I had not met out of the office (not because I hadn't tried to have appointments with him but because he was always too busy to see me in the past when I had scheduled appointments with him). They said that they would make an appointment for me in the morning to talk to the doctor that would be preforming the C-Section and make sure he agreed with her analysis. They called us a few hours later to tell us that wouldn't be happening that we would just meet the doctor right before the operation.

Rhett's Birth Story
Brock and I both had a hard time sleeping the night before. Brock tried his hardest and got a few hours, I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. The shock of knowing I was getting my stomach cut open and there wasn't anything I could do about it was frustrating and depressing. I stayed up all night reading about C-sections trying to understand what the procedure would be like and what the recovery would be like.
We went to the hospital and they got me hooked up to the monitors and fluid. We anxiously waited for noon to arrive (what time my surgery was suppose to be), it came and left, and no sign of the doctor. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me about the surgery. He explained that Brock would only be able to come in if the spinal tap worked other wise they would put me under general anesthesia and then I would wake up after the procedure. I offered a silent prayer that point that the spinal tap would work and that Brock would able to witness the birth of our son.  20 minutes past 1 pm, the doctor walked into the room and introduced himself. He then directed the anesthesiologist to take me into surgery.
The surgery staff were very kind and friendly. I had to receive extra warm blankets so that I would stop shivering (I was freezing and INCREDIBLY nervous). The anesthesiologist then patiently and gently placed the spinal tap. Then they laid me down gently and  my arms onto the surgery table (I am pretty claustrophobic so not knowing this ahead of time this made me pretty nervous but I tried to keep my cool so that I could stay awake for the surgery).
After a few minutes the doctor entered, he was very upset and was telling everyone that "this isn't the way things are suppose to go". Apparently, there was something wrong with the scheduling of my C-section and there wasn't a doctor there to assist in the surgery. Luckily he had found another doctor in the hallway, who was able to assist. The doctor started cutting, the anesthesiologist said that I might feel some pressure but if I felt pain to tell him. Luckily I felt nothing. I couldn't feel a thing below my collar bone, including my fingers which was really a strange feeling. At this point they motioned for Brock to come in. Brock sat on the other side of my head. And watched patiently. Then I heard everyone go, "Wow." And heard a splash on the floor. Apparently I had a ton of amniotic fluid (way more than usual). And then all of the sudden I heard the loudest scream/cry ever, all the staff waited to see what Rhett's weight was. The nurses rushed him to the window to clean him off. Then they wrapped him up and Brock brought him to me. I so wanted to touch him, to kiss him but all I could do was look at him.

30 minutes after his birth. At this point I still hadn't got to hold him (taken by my mother-in-law with her cellphone).

The doctors finished their work and stitched me up. Brock went with Rhett and I had my gown changed (because my amniotic fluid totally soaked it) and they took me into the recovery room. From there they hooked me up to all sorts of machines, it is almost a blur all I remember is that I just was ready to hold my baby. After 30-40 minutes they finally brought Rhett to me but at this point he was starving and I had nothing to give him. We both were trying our best to get latch on but both of us were getting really frustrated with it. Finally they took him and fed him some formula and took me to my room. I was happy to be able to see my family.

Picture of Rhett before his bath (taken by mom on her cellphone)

 Rhett and I both continued to try and be frustrated with nursing, luckily we had patient nurses that were willing to help as much as they could with latch on. Before it was time to go to bed I was suppose to get my catheter out but that didn't happen until 2 AM. I was soooooooo exhausted since I hadn't slept the night before. I was so glad to sleep and looked forward to being able to get the leg pumpers, the oxygen and the blood oxygen monitor off (every time I would try to nurse the blood oxygen monitor alarm would sound because I was holding my breath in concentration). I was also incredibly hungry since all they would give me was apple juice and chicken broth. Because I looked so worn out, weak and colorless the decision was made my family not to take any pictures of Rhett and I at the hospital this is something that I still regret and no matter how crappy I look I will be getting a picture at the hospital with our little bird.

My first picture with Rhett (2 weeks after his birth)

Our first family picture, Rhett the day of his blessing, 1 month after (taken by my brother Levi)

Rhett at 2 months old (taken by Serene Sweeten)

Telling Rhett his Birth Story

Picture of the Crib Card at the Hospital

The other day Rhett was having a hard day going down for a nap, he seemed to be feeding off Brock and I's stress. I asked him if he wanted to hear a story and he said, "Do." I tried to think of what story I should tell and then I realized, he should hear his birth story. It was nice to be able to look at through rose colored glasses of 2 years old. Every word I said brought an even bigger smile to his face. I told him that the doctor cut a zipper in my stomach and pulled him out. And that after a few days at the hospital, "Dad and Mom brought you home and you are our little boy forever." I asked him if he understood what that meant, he said, "Do." He gave me a huge hug and a kiss. I realized at that moment that Rhett didn't know that I wasn't able to hold him right when he came out. And he didn't even care. He knew that I love him and that I will be his mother forever.

Why a 2nd C-Section?
Last doctor's appointment I was measuring a little large and I hadn't dilated. The doctor, Brock and I talked over what might be the possibilities for her delivery. And it is looking like I might be having another C-Section. It has been good for me to have the time and a reason to work through my pain of a C-Section. It is also nice to not be blindsided with a ton information and to be able to talk to doctors.  On Friday, we will see what the ultrasound estimates her size at and we will see if I have made any progress from delivery. Depending on those two factors we will make a decision on Friday on how to proceed. But after pondering and prayer I am 100 percent willing to wave my dreams of a VBAC goodbye and have this baby.